The Disgruntled Gamer’s Rant About Call of Duty Four

Alright, let me just start out by saying that I will probably offend a lot of gamers in this piece, but honestly, as a gamer my self, I DON’T CARE!!! I’ve been playing games for the better part of a decade as opposed to the ancients who’ve been playing for donkey’s years. I will concede that I have less experience than many but it doesn’t matter because recently in gaming, the denomination has shifted to the professional and courteous gamer to the prepubescent 12 year old who can’t grow facial or pubic hair and while waiting for his balls to drop insists on ruining our– Experienced gamers– fun by just being…literally, they ruin my game just by existing in some cases.

Let me lay out the scene for you, you start up a FPS game (I’ll use COD4 for this example but Halo 3 works just as well), you expect to shoot some people and chuck some grenades and have a lot of competitive fun at the same time. After waiting an eternity to get into a game (AHEM…*halo*) you finally see your opponents. I know everybody, myself included, tries to evaluate the skill of a person based on his gamertag. I think its just natural to…”HEY SNIPERMONKEY!!! what a fucking gay name, Snipermonkey. What the fuck is that supposed to mean anyway!?!?” Naturally…I should have realized that I made a mistake to assume that everyone would just FUCKING play the game, and maybe enjoy playing with their friends. It is a fact of life, however, that there is going to be that one little butt fucker that just has to talk shit.

I have never started a game in halo 3 where at least one person hasn’t commented something about my gamertag, some like it, some don’t. BUT, regardless of your game, your rank, or your GT, the person who’s going to have said that is a 12 year old who has just started playing because his uncle bought him a 360 for his birthday, and his brother borrowed halo. Immediately he believes because he is 12 and therefore knows everything humanly possible that he is god’s gift to gaming, he is the be all and end all of the ultimate PLAYER, the L33T!!!

Here’s the first point I wanted to make. Listen please people…you are NOT THE BEST, there is always someone better than you! I in fact think that I suck ass, I just get really lucky which sometimes gives out on me and I have a 1 win and 499 loss day. I don’t get completely bent out of shape about that. Sure I get pissed but it only lasts until the next morning, after that I usually pump out triple kills .

Notice how the best player(s) in world don’t spam every forum and thread about how they have a 40 inch long golden dick and their shit has diamonds in it just because they lead some leader board or other. And notice that usually the best players don’t talk complete shit about everyone before starting a game and when they get mercilessly pounded, insist that everyone is cheating and leaves. It is a fact of life that you will not be the best unless you have had a shitload of practice and are usually either amazingly quick or fat as shit but have the controls hardwired into your very soul.

But I digress. That particular game started on overgrown, and the squeaky bastard was obviously on the other team. I think that I have never started on overgrown without a sniper, and that game was no different. I take my position and get 3 kills within the first 20 seconds of play, coincidence? Best part? Out of 21 kills that game, 7, count them, 7!!! were from just that little bitch, and out of 5 deaths, not one was by him. What a surprise! Well, I usually don’t take the game further than the score, sure he called me out and got hammered down, he was 3 for 12 by the way, but I don’t like to take it further than that.

Obviously, within 12 seconds I had a message from the little shit sucker, (:whose name I refuse to disclose because I’m not that much of a bastard I could tell with even listening to his tinny, squashed parrot sounding voice that he was gonna call me out personally for cheating or something…and…Yup, sure enough, he’d decided in his infinite wisdom that I had a hacked Xbox and that I had somehow evaded IW for the nearly 6 months I’ve been playing, furthermore, I had a penis growing out of my forehead because I had killed him with a flash-bang, and had an aim bot because I had SHOT HIM THROUGH A WALL!!!!! OMG!!! I did not know that that was solely a consequence of an aim bot and not of just watching him walk there waiting to ambush somebody.

Naturally, because I had somehow insulted his very existence he wanted to spend the remainder of his 30 second message calling me everything foul name under the sun. So, being a sporting man, I cordially invited him to a 1 on 1 game on a map of his choice with his own game setup. It seemed to me to be the most fair way to rebuff such an unholy abomination that was his monologue.

I think maybe I was a little too hasty to call him complete shit, because over the course of 5 games all cut to about 2 minutes by my M40 I ended up having died…twice. Once from his amazing skill with an RPD, while I had a pistol, and the other from a martyrdom that was somehow so fun that he burst out laughing even though he was down 9 to 1. I gave him the small joy of tea bagging my corpse for about 3 seconds and gave him the gift of a nice warm headshot.

After 5 games and a 50 to 2 ratio, I got bored… and started to write this

But seriously, we as a gaming community need to crack down on these 12 year old bitches that have less skill than a fucking goose and break out the BANHAMMER!!! and not just and electronic banhammer, I’m talking a damn sledgehammer painted red wielded by Kratos with the words BANUS MAXIMUS or something bad ass engraved on the top. It just comes as a surprise that I’m the first one to ever say this…oh, wait. I’m not, am I? Everyone of those with some skill know what I’m talking about, everyone has seen just unbelievable stupidity. For example, I just watched a player sit in a corner with a shotgun, watch someone walk past him, they came back and saw him and killed him before he fired a shot. I know for a fact he wasn’t AFK because he had been turning the whole time. I only realized how fucking stupid he was when I had to no-scope that person that killed him to save myself.

This is the part of the rant where I get fucking bored of writing about D-bags who can’t play and talk shit. You know who you are, and if you’re ever in a match with me, and I do badly, I know you’re gonna talk shit. Just remember that I don’t have my mic on ever. Send me a message through XBL so I can see who read this through. Props to you if you did, even if you happen to be the faggot I’m talking about. Replies are always appreciated, even if you didn’t like it. Like I said before, I really don’t care who I piss off, but a challenge is always welcome.

GT: snipermonkey118

Obviously there’s going to be more of these, lots of things piss me off. So, for next week, expect Einstein’s Rules of FPS.