How to Make a Crappy Video Game Protagonist

Right, we’re pretty much going to create a template for a shoddy video game protagonist. This is no easy task, some of the highest paid men in video game history have tried and failed at this, so don’t underestimate the quest you are about to undertake.

1. Audience

Choosing an audience is a lot like choosing a new couch. We don’t want it to be garish or unsightly, nor do we want it to be too small. We need a good sized audience with leathery skin and cushiony insides, preferably with arms.

I have a good feeling about the 20 something heavy smokers that occasionally get outside for arm wrestling on hot days.

2. Genre

Next we need to define genre for our character to be built around. This is important as we don’t want to make just any old character, it’s easy to make a clown that fights aliens or an undead vampire that also goes surfing. Actually I quite like that last one.

Now genre is a pretty all encompassing term, so lets stick literary genres for this step;

Adventure, horror, Thriller, Fantasy, Historical Fiction, Mystery, Political, Romance, Satire, Conspiracy, Spy, Gothic Fiction, Detective.

That’s a nice little list for us to use, but I want to add some more to the mix; Noir, Anime, Comic book hero, Military, Space, Samurai, nautical.

That should do it, plenty for us to dive into. I’m going to go with Noir, feel free to come up with your own.

3. Concept

Ok, by now you have your genre and maybe an idea for your protagonist. This stage requires you take another look at step two and grab about four or five of the genre descriptions from the list to build a concept for you character.

E.g. A nautical samurai in love with a spy.

4. Personality

A character with a story demands personality to match. Remember moody characters irritate everyone universally. So let’s take a look at some archetypes;

Analyst, Critic, Deviant, Joker, Judge, Masochist, Optimist, Thrill seeker, Supplicant, Rogue, Visionary etc

People also come with more specific flaws, its good to be generous with these; Bigot, intolerant, misogynistic, Shy, Vengeful, Temperamental, Illiterate, Compulsive, Attention deficit, Obsessive, Depressed.

Stereotypes are also on the table here too, they are very popular in games too. Just putting it out there.

Here’s my choice: An intolerant, depressed Optimist.

5. Appearance

Here we go. This is where we separate the men from the boys. The best protagonists have a certain “look” that they and only they have. Some have fairly casual clothes but rather too much of a single primary colour, others like wearing dull colours but have some fancy clothing.

It’s important that you give a crappy character a lot of everything, many clothes and a lot of one colour. This way you ensure that your character looks stupid and no one will want to take him, or her, seriously.

Physical shape is also a factor to think about, too big and muscular and you’ll come off looking like a superhero, too short and fat and you’ll be creating a comic relief character. You need to get it just right for the genre and make sure to never stray too far from what everyone else is doing. Don’t be cocky, there’s a lot of people out there who would find your over weight shy obsessive masochistic ex-military detective appealing. So make him generic, go anywhere between muscular and skinny.

6. Special powers

Let’s think about our audience for a second. I presume to know that my target wants gritty 1930’s drama with machine guns. Obviously a protagonist needs some kind of ubermensch power to give him the edge he needs to defeat all those gangsters and win the heart of his true love who also happens to be a spy.

Now this power needs to be in keeping win the concept, so my nautical samurai needs some sweet nautical samurai moves. I’m thinking a sword that’s actually a fish and has the soul of Poseidon inside it! And armour that’s actually lobsters and eels!

Never go too overboard, we don’t want people to “accidentally” like our creations. As a guide go for something pretentious and derivative. Swords are usually a sure fire way of being mediocre, especially when they have some kind of power. Guns are just average and are good at blending into the background while you play. We need something you will notice, something that will force you to ask “why?” and bug you for the rest of the game.

I’m going to go with a flaming sword that glues people to the ground when you hit them, and X-ray vision. That’s me happy, now your turn.

So there you have it, six steps to creating a crappy protagonist. Now when you see one anywhere you can say “Hey, I can do that too!”. Be proud, now you have inside knowledge that can aid you in times of crisis, but don’t use it too much or you may end up hurting yourself.