Four Modern Internet Games That Can be Played on an Old Dinosaur CPU

I’m one of those people that have a CPU on their computer that predates George Bush’s tenure as president of the United States. I’ve also never really felt that good about making a purchase from a game (yes, I’m still treating games as an art form). As they say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, so I’ve managed to discover (what I believe are) some of the greatest free games, ever, on the internet.

I’ve deliberately avoided such classics as Pacman and Pong and instead focused on the more recent side of online games.

Bowmaster Prelude

Bowmaster prelude is a masterpiece of the Flash Timewaster genre. It is a brushed up version of the original Bowmaster game, and, as the name indicates, it’s a sort of taster for Bowmaster II. Jason Reinsveld’s website has other examples of his work, as well as news and his devlog.

The game provides you with a plethora of different arrows and units (all of which upgrade through dealing/healing damage, depending on their purpose) which, coupled with the fact you get different terrain for each of the 30 levels, allows for an endless amount of different tactics to be utilised.

This game continues the age old tradition of the enemy getting cooler, stronger and… dragony-er units than you do, but you still somehow manage to get one over the Trev’Gahr, as they attempt to take over your home. However, there is a statement in the in-game help, that new units do become available through the course of the game, I haven’t (yet!) been able to find any.

Each level is won by either getting your units to take the opposition flag and making it back to your base, or defeating every last one of the advancing army.

You fire your arrows by either pointing and clicking, or “pulling” back a string to define the direction and power. I prefer the pull string method, although it is perfectly fine to use point and click until you understand how the games work and then switch over to pull string. You can change preferences using the “Options” menu.

Every ten levels a large boss appears. Fell him by hitting him in the face with a bomb arrow after he removes his helmet! The guys a toughie, so unless you’re very patient, I’d recommend nipping in with some fast cavalry to take their flag and return to your base!

All of the opponents units have some kind of weakness. Some are more apparent than others (Ice dragons are weak against fire? Who’d've guessed!), so have fun working them all out!

Mechquest

This game, produced by Artix Entertainment, creators of Adventure Quest and Dragon Fable, is basically a Mecha game, with magic. Yes, I know, it doesn’t sound like it makes sense. Don’t let that put you off, as AE always figure out some kind of way to get their amusing and deep plots to come off!

The game has a similar play style to some previous AE gems, except that instead of Health Points and Mana, you get Hit Points and Energy. While the game remains in Alpha/Beta (or Gamma, as they term it) the polish on the game is extraordinary. You start off as a Mecha Fighter Pilot in training, on the space ship to take you to Gears University, where you succeed (despite all logic pointing to the contrary)in surviving the gruelling entrance exam, with an oft joked upon mortality rate. So far only the Energy Blade fighting (fighting outside your Mech with a laser sword!) and the Mecha Fighting 101 classes are yet open, but you can take a job as a pizza delivery boy (fight off rival Pizza delivery services!), which, when levelled up (by the way, how many other games allow you to become a Deep Dish Commander?) gives you access to an astonishing array of pizza based weaponry for your mech, as well as a new mech to ride around in!

You can also be a sleuth in an engaging detective quest series, where you hunt down a werewolf biker gang and infiltrate their headquarters, to attempt to sabotage their plans of creating erm… pies… that turn people into werewolves! This quest chain also gives you access to more Mechs and weaponry, as well as the Tech’s Mech’s (Puns like that are positively LITTERED through this game) shop. The game is has a few little minigames, like one where you pilot a helicopter, shooting down enemy Shadowscythe units and rescuing doctors.

It’s things like these that turn this game into the light-hearted, exciting game it is.

It also has a PvP feature that allows you to play (AI controlled) versions of your friends mechs, for bragging rights.

While this game is not completely free (you can become a Star Captain for certain bonus weapons, Mechs and privileges) the content is so very good that a free player (Me!) can derive incredible amount of enjoyment from the wit and the bonhomie of the Player-Staff relations.

Puzzle Pirates

As the only MMORPG on my list, it certainly has a lot to live up to. I chose this purely for the reason that it’s an intelligent, cheerful game that has a short download time and has quietly discovered the gaming Holy Grail of creating a game that is sustainedly enjoyable without any “grinding” at all involved.

When you create an account, there are various possible oceans, two of which, Cobalt and Midnight, are “Subscription” oceans, which don’t have doubloons (more about those later) but do require a monthly subscription. The other three are doubloon oceans. One of these, Opal, is a German language ocean. I wouldn’t recommend going here unless you can speak German. The two other Doubloon Oceans are Sage and Viridian. Viridian is the more established Ocean, but anywhere will do, really.

In this game you play 18 different puzzles, to do different things. *Breathes in* There’s Sword Fighting, Bilging, Carpentry, Gunnery, Battle Navigation, Duty Navigation, Sailing, Rumbling, Hauling Treasure, Drinking, Diamonds, Spades, Texas Hold “em Poker, Treasure Drop, Distillery, Alchemistry, Shipwrighting and Blacksmithing *Breathes out*

The better you perform, the better things you do/make and the more your statistics (Words indicating how good you are at a puzzle) go up, which tends to impress people.

The main part of the game is battles between ships. The most frequent encounter is between a ship of players and a ship of Brigands or Barbarians (computer controlled opponents) the Officer in Charge (OiC) controls the ship and fires it”s cannons, while the Sailors provide the ability for the ability for the ship to move, Bilgers remove bilge that slows down the ship, Carpenters fix damage and Gunners load cannons.

When one ship manages to get close to another ship and grapples it, the ship goes into a brawl stage, where you have a Sword Fight and Brigands and a Rumble against Barbarians.

The same is true for PvPs (Plaver vs. Player battles). The winning team get Pieces of Eight and Rum, as well as cannonballs and other things from the opponents hold.

Multi ship battles can occur, during fights for control of islands called “Blockades”. The owner of an island can creates Shoppes and other useful buildings.

Groups of Pirates can band together to form crew, and crews can form fearsome flags that can control islands.

On the non-subscription oceans, you have to pay a premium cost in Doubloons, when you purchase certain items. These can be brought from other players on the Doubloon exchange for approximately 900 Pieces of Eight (PoE). They can also be bought with a credit card. This game manages fabulously to give a benefit to those willing to pay, while making sure those that don’t pay, can be, and are, at the top level of the game.

You can start the (swift) download process by going to
Puzzle Pirates website. If you wish, I have a Refferal banner below; starting your account from it will give you 500 Pieces of Eight, but will also give me pieces of eight. If, for some reason, you don’t want to do this, just go to the website.

Boxhead: 2 Play Rooms

Boxhead is a fascinating shooting game. There are 10 different weapons, which you use to fight off Zombies and Devils as they come at you, in different rooms you can choose. It’s an entertaining single player game, but it really becomes fun in the two player mode.

I think the beginner mode is actually harder than the Nightmare mode, at least in two player mode, because there are too few of them for an explosive weapon (like the rocket launcher) to be effective. You’ve also got friendly fire to contend with. There’s endless possible strategy useable, with two players, walls, barrels, 18 rooms and all those weapons. Another incredibly fun part of the game is the two player Deathmatch, as it’s got obvious parallels with an arms race, as one player discovers a “winning” strategy, until the other player finds the stone to bit their scissors, one player gets on top, then the other, in an brilliant combination of thought and video gaming skill.

These are a couple of strategies that I’ve found that can be useful:

One player lays a barricade of fake walls, with a gap between, in a place where there is no wall behind them.

If player two attempt to move towards the gap in the fake walls, P1 can use their rocket launcher, which, with its blast radius, would kill P2. P2 must stand to the side and destroy the fake walls. They must then run forward, while creating fake walls to shield them as they go, until they have a wall near to P1. They must then lob grenades OVER the wall, by holding down space.

P1 can make a cluster of mines, followed by a cluster of barrels, followed by mines. So, when P2 steps on the mines, after a short pause, a firestorm is created. If P2 attempts to destroy the barrels, P1 simply kills them before they have time to shoot, in the wake of the barrel explosion.

P2 must build a fake wall to hide behind, and then set of the chain of barrels. If they are lucky they may kill P1 in the process! This is the problem behind many highly explosive setups. They look cool but the only really catch the unaware, unawares.

I sincerely hope you’ve enjoyed reading this guide, as it’s been great fun writing it. Who knows, I may even compile another list of my favourite games.

Just remember, don’t complain about what you can’t play because of certain things. If it wasn’t for my CPU, I’d be playing
World of Warcraft
instead of this. We can only be thankful.