Stressed or Lazy Runescape Players

For all who are confused(or too lazy to read the stuff on the home page,) this is what has happened to runescape lately:

Fans of the tales of the muspah and missing my mummy quests will be pleased to know that the next one has been released. It’s called “finding the point.” In this quest you must climb a high and dangerous mountain in order to get to ‘the point’. When your character reaches the top, you will be saying: “wait a minute, what’s the point?” You will then be teleported to the bottom of the mountain and receive your reward which consists of a sword that is slightly more powerful than a steel dagger.

Bounty Hunter has been replaced with worlds where rwt and solo pking are completely impossible. (Don’t worry 26kers, jagex has completely forgotten about you.) Slayers were complaining about how whips and dark bows should only be dropped by slayer creatures and jagex agreed; now in order to kill a player you need 99 slayer. You also have a chance of getting a player head drop, which you can then take to the taxidermist and hang on your house’s wall to show to your friends.

Players who trained agility were pleased to hear that people can now restore their run energy in 20 seconds by sitting on the ground and doing nothing. Mod Hawking however, has just discovered that female characters contain a dangerous substance known as “rune matter.” When female characters wearing a skirt rested, the matter escaped into the air, burning people’s eyes. Female characters are now forced to contain this matter within their bodies and to do so requires immense amounts of energy, the kind of energy that can only be gained by clutching your arms with your legs out and getting really really constipated. (Just like those guys on dragon ball zee.) There are now reports of female characters exploding while resting, it looks like runescape’s atmosphere is doomed.

Agility has received new weight-reducing clothes and players are unsure what they would need them for. Run energy does not replenish faster when your weight is negative. This is clearly evidence of a new skill and players now know with complete certainty what the 25th skill is…

Introducing the eating skill! Starting at level one, players can eat rocks and work their way up to the finer foods, such as supercompost.

Evidence for this skill:

1) there is food in runescape.

2)you can eat it.

At 60 eating, you can join the weight-watching guild, where npcs try to eat while staying as light as possible(hence the need for weight-reducing armour.) The eating skill will raise the max combat level to 150 since at the high levels players are able to go to pvp or bounty worlds and enjoy some “nooblet cake.”

Mod Marx is now worried about the macroeconomy of runescape because of the inflation brought on by bounty hunter drops and merch clans, he is not worried about the farming skill however because according to him “it contains the seeds of its own revolution.” To keep the macroeconomy under control, jagex has brought out their megatroniclasercannoptimusprimeblaster of doom. Now death rays will be fired at players who are really “robots in disguise.” They should be careful though, they might hit a banana, which really should have “a peal.”

In other news, it seems that the new slayer monster’s name will also be the name of a new pokemon. Jagex wants to make it clear though that this will not make runescape more “kiddy” because of its devastating special attack where it yells “pikachu” while its light is sparkling, thus forcing your character to make all sorts of uncontrollable movements and eventually ending up in the duel arena hospital.

That’s all the news for now tune in next time where we’ll be discussing the importance of firemaking(or lack thereof.)

Note: yes I know, I’m not that funny, but anyway, did this relieve any stress?