Eat, Don’t Hula: An Open Letter to Kp Crisps

Dear Sir or Madam,

I recently purchased a multipack of KP Hula Hoops. On the back of each packet is a suggestion for a ‘game’ or other form of Hula Hoop-related entertainment. While I don’t particularly think it is a good idea to encourage people to play with their food by flicking hoops along a table-top into the open packet in a form of ‘football,’ there’s a certain amusement to be had from such activities as ‘Hoop “Boules”‘ and ‘Hula Ball.’ I might add that the latter of these is technically incorrect, given that the Hula Hoop is the ‘ball’ and as such the game should perhaps be more accurately described as ‘Finger Hoop’, following the convention of the means by which the object (i.e the ball or Hula Hoop) is moved between points (i.e. by foot or finger). It cannot be Hula Ball because there is no spherical object involved.

Some of the optical illusions offer a few moments of mental stimulation, but I feel I really must object to the  ‘how many hoops’ quiz. The answer given on the packet is 10. However, this is incorrect. There are, in fact, no hoops, only a series of lines that in combination form a two-dimensional visual representation of a number of rows of Hula Hoops. I know what you’re thinking: that these little panels on the backs of the packets are just a bit of fun and aren’t meant to be taken entirely seriously; that the back of a crisp packet is not the place to engage in philosophical contemplation, wrestling with existentialist issues and matters of perception and the concept of ‘reality.’ But this is where you’re mistaken. It’s this kind of intellectual reductionism, or ‘dumbing down’ that’s creating a society of intellectually stunted, lazy dullards.

Nevertheless, I do very much enjoy your crisps, especially the salt and vinegar flavour, which are very tasty indeed.

Yours faithfully,

Mr. A. Pedant