Tails or Heads?

Does anyone remember Tails? He was the twin-tailed anthropomorphic canis vulpus who masqueraded as sidekick to Sonic the Hedgehog. Picture the scene: Some maniac is attempting to heist The Chaos Emeralds in order that he may seize control of the universe. Meanwhile he’s kidnapped all your friends and turned them into robots. That are trying to kill you.

Doctor Robotnik is alleged to have an intelligence quota of 300. That’s a sight higher than Newton, Einstein, Browne or Hawking. He seeks not beauty nor or truth but world domination. And he seeks it for real. I have never detected a monetary based ulterior motive that might suggest he is in it for a free holiday. This guy wants to instill his regime and crush us under some sort of computer-based martial law.

When in a situation of direct negotiation with the Doctor, he cannot be reasoned with over a game of chess and/or a cup of tea. Instead, he orchestrates a dramatic showdown in which he helms radical killing machines of a truly inspired nature. Swinging boulders, shooting fire, using seesaws and rusty lumps of iron I kid you not.

You, keep in mind, are a hedgehog. A hedgehog that overcame with minimal fuss the initial threat of this would be tyrant. So what could be of greater inconvenience, having defeated him single-handed once already, than the revelation that Robotnik is a persistent lunatic who shall not cease in his maniacal efforts?

I’ll tell you what:

Miles “Tails” Prower. A complete novice who’s probably only tagging along because Sonic promised him an ice cream or something. Now, it mustn’t be omitted that I haven’t played a Sonic game since the mid 90’s. As a result I am unaware of the development of these characters into the 21st Century and could not possibly comment on their contemporary flaws. For all I know, SEGA finally had Tails come out of the closet.

However, with regards to the Sonic experiences of my youth, I’ll state with deep-felt conviction that Tails contribution to the effort was risible. Not once did that infuriating fox stick his neck out when you were falling into a perilous abyss, in spite of the fact he could fly. In truth, he scarcely even co-operated. He had a vexing tendency to run around in circles a lot and get himself killed when he’s supposed to be watching your back. Okay, a hedgehog’s back more or less watches itself, but the point is Tails isn’t even aware of his surroundings. To cap it all, he enthusiastically returns, using his twin tails to hover, no less, from the sky in some form of hilarious jape. Does this clown not grasp the magnitude of the situation? You’re so consumed with rage you don’t even notice Robotnik turn up in his hell-raising contraption of the apocalypse.

At which point Tails is nowhere to be found. This, I conclude, is a very weak sidekick. Don’t get me wrong I love foxes. My concern is with this particular twin-tailed anthropomorphic canis vulpus and specifically with his vocation. I feel he may have been more successful in the role of a car valet or perhaps as a presenter of This Morning.

And so what makes a good sidekick? At the risk of being frightfully unadventurous, and in the interests of simplicity, let us compare him with Toad.

First and most important of all, he is not a twin-tailed, anthropomorphic canis vulpus. He is in fact a Humanoid Mushroom and Retainer of the Mushroom Kingdom. Subsequently he is a close companion of the king.

Luigi of course is Mario’s Man Friday, and a very able one he is too. However, the Mario Brothers foremost strategy is built on teamwork and Toad is an Integral cog in their efforts. Far from gallivanting around like some sort of preening idiot of the Miles Prower persuasion, he only turns up when he’s needed.

His entrepreneurial nous and high profile connections make him a useful ally, weather you need a tip on the princess’ whereabouts or a leaf that turns you in a raccoon. He will not sell such items to you. He is more likely to engage you in a game of lateral thinking and/or chance. This is what keeps Mario on his toes. Products & Services at Toads disposal include a frog suit, super mushrooms, invincibility and flight, to name but a few. Wanna shoot fire from your hands? Toad’s your man. Okay, so you can sometimes get that stuff out of a block, but whom do you think put there for crying out loud, Bowser?

In the 1993 film “Super Mario Bros” (which is fantastic if you haven’t had the pleasure), Toad is portrayed by Mojo Nixon as a guitar-picking, harmonica-blowing, establishment-loathing troubadour. I like to think he hit the nail on the head. Such is Toad’s commitment to the cause in this movie, he actually obliges to Princess Daisy’s request of a “Plate of Steamed Vegetables”, despite the notable handicap of having been de-evolved into a pre-historic mutant-dinosaur soldier, or Goomba.

In the game, he is presented as a beatnik shaman (with a mushroom for a head), higher than any cape-equipped Mario could ever soar. Plus, he’s a fucking mushroom-man for crying out loud! What more d’you want?

Consider the Mario Brothers plight: A beautiful princess of a magical kingdom has been kidnapped for ransom (and “other” reasons as well) by a terrifying monster-turtle bastard. You are a couple of working-class Italian-American plumbers. You get sidetracked from your humble trade and find yourselves somehow entrusted with all the responsibility of saving her…

Don’t you see what I’m driving at here? I guess what I’m trying to get across is basically that I’m a bit of a nerd. Now if you’ll excuse me it’s time for Countdown.